Rich (maniakal) wrote,
Rich
maniakal

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Conflicted

I am in a conflicting position at the moment, two things I can do...both of which will end for the worse for me, I can do nothing about it...in which case, other's wouldn't benefit.

It's difficult, because sometimes what you want or are looking for is right under your nose...and you don't realize it, or you just deny it, and go for the "better" of all things, in reality it's not.

It's frustrating trying to get your point across, trying to get someone to understand or see it, but they don't or won't, maybe it's my fault, maybe I don't have it right...maybe what i'm doing is wrong?

Maybe I should go get drunk more, become an alchoholic, get fucked up on drugs and than i'll be accepted?...maybe I should go get twacked out, and be a complete asshole to the people I love and cherish...than they'll see me.

But I won't, because if I did that...I run the risk of losing my friends, myself and those I love, something is going to happen soon, and I am the only one that will lose, and it's why I don't want to do anything about my conflict, if I went for it, these people would be happy..and that's the way it should be right?

I sacrifice my own happiness, desires, and own fun in some situations, to let other's have fun to do what they need to do to have fun, they get drunk,high, fucked on whatever, while I sit, wait and watch, it's what I do, i'm not a boring person, I like to go out, have fun,travel and enjoy myself, I'd love to go out and be completely uninhibited, but no one will be there for me, no one will drive me home when i'm utterly drunk...so I have to keep doing it myself, for myself, for the people I love, because they are my only friends, and if I lost them, than where would I be?

I have to remain boring old me, because without me , my friends might not be able to enjoy themselves as much, they might not be able to go out to the clubs, and dance, while getting drunk, and than get home safely. I am getting sick of it, it's not like I want to go out and get fucked beyond belief on whatever the drug of choice is that night.

I just want to get away, I need to get away, because what I truly want, doesn't and I try to hard and lose, and those that don't try at all ,win...what is wrong with that?...why does it happen that way?

there really is no point, why am I writing this shit...I have no friends on here, no one's going to read it...I guess I needed to vent, and no one is there for me...because i'm always there for someone else.

I give up, I really do, there is no point in searching, winning, going for what you want..just going is enough I guess.

there is a lot more I need to express to people, I have things I need to say, but i'm afraid that they'll just ignore it, not understand, or give a shit, it's almost useless.

I feel used, actually, they all use me, constantly...but I let them, I say it's fine, but get nothing in return, not even a shoulder to explain myself on, not even someone to hug or cuddle with, I miss that, I miss being able to get close to someone, and just make them feel good, make me feel good, I've worked to hard to make others happy, give others pleasure, sacrifice my own, although I feel happy that I help them, I feel good...but sometimes that's not enough, I want to feel cared for, loved, cherish, Like I care for them, Love them, Cherish them.

Women, my ex and I just recently broke up, it was a stressful relationship, I've lost 2 years of my life, that I wish I could have spent with someone else, and now, i'm out living the life I would have loved to have had, the people I would have loved to have known then, and been with since, and now, i'm alone, but I have friends...who I see a few times a week, one who is a drunk who wants little girls, one who is a tweaker and lies to his girl friend and she is great but also cheated on him, one who's boyfriend wants to cheat on her,and his girlfriend who is just wonderful but has a lot to learn about her situation, and another who is a lesbian, who is prolly the most appreciative out of the group. There is another, who I think is the greatest person of all of these, who isn't my drunken best friend, she is someone who I could tell anything too, except one thing so back to women...
Women don't want guys like me...they want guys like the above mentioned, they want someone who is an asshole, "dangerous", "daring", so forth and so on, "protection". they don't want someone who can actually have a conversation with them about things in life, someone who can cuddle with them and read a book, someone who CAN protect them, but they obviously think i'm not good enough to protect them, someone who would treat them with the utmost respect, care and would treat them how a woman should be treated. but woman don't accept that, they want someone who will beat them over bullshit reasons, they want someone who is an utter failure, who doesn't goto school, they want someone who won't be anywhere in 5 years, 10 years.. someone who prolly couldn't give you the time of fucking day if they didn't know you.

Honorable, Loyal, Trusting, Loving, Caring, Protective, Stable, Laidback, Nerdy, Fairly Intelligent, Active in the sense I go out and enjoy myself when I can.
all that shit mentioned above...that's what women think they want, but obviously dont', not when they go after the big badass looking guy, with tattoos, a motorcycle, grizzly fuck beard, and a complete asshat, who will turn psycho on you, beat you infront of your children, or friends for that matter, someone who will totally disrespect you, yeah, that's what women REALLY want.

Sounds like a fucking personal ad, I should go do that shit, post a fucking personal ad, maybe i'll meet someone...oh wait, NM they all want some fucking asshole. great, so i'm fucked for life...all the assholes out there, get beautiful, intelligent women, who think they can change them, who think they are cool because they are sooooo masculine...well fuck that shit, I get shit because I try to be respectful, and show my loyalty where it should be.

So much more i'd like to say, do, without screwing up somewhere along the line, i've already said to much, i've dug myself into a hole, and I've got a lot of shit to dig out of now. But, it needed to be said, done, expressed, cause it's been continually growing inside me...and i'm just sick of it, sick of dealing with it, sick of not having anyone by my side when I need them.

Loyalty, Honor and Truth until death.

Rich
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